Under 7 (born to lose)
"whenever I'm faced with a tough situation I always think about what you would do..."
Hearing these words cut like a knife. A cauterization of self doubt creating a pain so refreshing I couldn't turn away. For the first time in 21 days, rivers ran from my face through reservoirs Ive told myself were long dry.
I felt like I was in the bear trap again today. A pursuer threatening my friend with camps and spewing all that rhetoric of digital ghouls we hoped would only stay there. A dawning realization that my "reaper fast approaching..." May come at the hands of my own line of work conflicting with the worlds perceived placement of me.
Second class always. Now it's all our fault if we fight back...
Daly ann_7
Feeling like someone's ideal sacrificial lamb just awaiting the perfect tribute.
My sister's like to tell me I'm strong. Look up to it... The resplendent face of heaven, a spine tougher than hell.
It makes me feel like a fraud. The strongest girl you know was afraid to buy snacks today, walk half a parking lot to her own car, praying at the foot of her bed like a child for love to return with selfishness so trifling it might as well be a broken dollhouse. Looking down the barrel of suffering she can only beg to be held and told everything is okay and going back to feeling useful not for her strength but for her naive compassion.
People really think I'm too cool for all this? The girl at the grocery store sees her queen of wands clutching chocolate sticks and instant noodles like they're the last thing she'll eat and sees some vision of Athena?
Your goddess wept into a bag of cheese puffs. She sucks Sapporo like it's the key to happiness unlimited. It frantically checks socials like they're a life or death scenario playing out in real time, like someday a message from will appear that just says "everything's fine!!" Or "just go ahead and burn it all away!" Amid all the bad therapy advice and clips from video nasties and wrestling events who's table she's refused her seat at over some moral trifling that seems less reasonable by the minute.
It can't find the time to love herself under the pressure of a simple disconnect. It thumbs through Anne Sexton like it's scripture She sits on her porch thinking about the irony that cigarette filters were once asbestos, maybe then her "awful rowing towards God" would be simpler.
If any friends are here, don't worry. I'm not going that far. I guarantee the world will wake up to dealing with me once more. "Here comes daredevil" playing across the screen of anything that wants to see itself as an adversary. As useless as I feel, I know y'all need me even half as much as I need y'all. That's enough to keep me fighting.
Ive recently found myself within 6 degrees of my own illusion of Freya. Someone who's wings I've always thought so much broader, who's halo was unshackled from anything here on earth... I'll bet she feels the same way.
I get her more than ever now. We weren't born to lose, but goddamn is it the thing we do best...
I want it to hurt because then I'll have gotten the only thing I can honestly say I've always dreamed of.