tug of war
I passed a kidney stone today. No drinking or tomatoes for a few days. I once again find myself forced to confront my reflection. This time it includes a whole lot of physical pain!!!
I've been texting with my daughter about my temptation to dive back into the apps. I know my healing hasn't hit any kind of zenith that would allow that to be a good idea. It hasn't hit that in years... But I have a name for it now, I can call it when I see it. The temptation becomes overwhelming while trying to dismantle that need for validation...
Wait, Day... Call it by it's name...
Male validation...
What a sickening statement. I've been able to ride the high for a while that needs and desires have changed, Ive grown past my wicked cravings, I really have, gonna give myself credit where it's due. A thing people don't tell you about ridding yourself of addiction is that you're always quitting. I'm sure I can, but damn did it feel like it was gone for a minute there, like it all just fit.
God, FUCK, I wish I could write about something else. But that's not the point of the exercise is it? I'm supposed to scream and give names and words and voices to feelings or they'll never go anywhere and haunt me until I'm just as miserable and hardened as I used to be.
A friend told me today "I won't show him your heart". But fuck, here it is, here's my heart. Missing shit and angry about shit and hoping for growth and fantasizing about things that should be outside my expectations and outside of my control and probably unrealistic and unhealthy but fuck if I'm not gonna do it anyway. In this little space I'm gonna eat the delusion tomatoes and drink the "embarrassing myself" beers and I can scream and screech and kill and grow whatever I need to until I'm sick of it and it'll all come up on the page. My stomach will feel better and all that's left to do is wash the acid from my mouth. Friction breeds growth. This is my screaming corner and I'll use it til' my lungs give out.
I know the healthy, the mature things to do. I've been doing them, I've been doing them so well! I'm not gonna fucking stop now!!! So here's to my little nicotine patch journal for the soul...
God I hope you're growing all the same. I have no plans on stopping. Everything I said is still true, and it'll be as true tomorrow as it was the day before.
Tomorrow is a new day to find something else to whine about.
Anyway fuck kidney stones... I fucking love tomatoes.