Paralytic States
It's been one year since we lost you today.
Strangely enough it comes with a lot of lessons. reflecting on the ways you would have handled things and why.
The average person would describe you in one word as aggro. Always combative and quick tempered. This was an admirable quality. The way the world treated you, they don't realize how lucky they've had it, you of all people had every reason to burn it all down.
Today I had an HR meeting. The premise was simple but I had to navigate a rat-maze of corpro speak to get to that cheese of truth. After 15 minutes went on I had to bring up the elephant in the room. Stand up for myself, just like you would have wanted me to. "So what you're telling me is that the clients parents aren't comfortable with me being trans?" It was at this point I had turned off my camera to hide a cigarette but really I was hiding tears nobody could have prepared for. I kept my focus, my composure. "what if you just used first names??" my district manager asked, as though de-gendering myself was an amicable solution.
If you read my posts before, you'll know this would have been a different conversation if I wasn't "visibly trans". The question always comes from a presumed neutrality, but scarce other castes of people are asked to depart themselves further from their own personhood so casually. As if healthcare simply makes me a machine... a capsule of behavioral solutions, taken once a day for three hours to teach your kid how to read a book without banging their head against a wall or table corner.
The reality is though that it wouldn't matter, these people don't just want us not to work with their kids, they don't want us to work period. This hatred comes at the cost of their own children's wellbeing and the very reason they are sent to me in the first place. I'm preaching to the choir but it's never been about protecting children it's about protecting ego and the glass walls that hold their flimsy self-worth together.
But that brings me back to you... We would chat at the bar, you'd show me your jackets and new tattoos, we'd shoot the shit about cheap beer and marlboros over my luckies... Gold 100s all the same.
The last time I saw you was in my truck, I chanced upon you outside of brunch, tarot and breakfast food with a friend. You were being harassed and pursued, ducked into me for safety, until he came quick and you immediately brought him to the ground, knife ready to create space. I remember telling you to put it up, we were in broad daylight of a busy street, all knife fights end in blood for both sides or death on one... Neither of us wanted either, until a knife came towards the hem of my coat with a lazy rush, I held green faux-leather high. Stepped you back slowly towards my truck. I stopped playing his game, so he took his ball and went home.
The cherry on top for both of us was the ticket on my windshield... Two minuets over time on the meter... Cop just out of frame huh? You needed a ride to the job you just quit, all hopped up on adrenaline, committed to getting your last check. We entered that restaurant into a standoff, like we hadn't almost been that days statistic, a man with too much ego to handle a woman of your power. Could only call you a "crazy man" to pacify his fear and guilt... you looked me in the eyes, I wanna say they told you not to take a risk, but then he looked me in the eyes... 10 minutes later he returns with a check...
Today when I trained I made some mistakes, worked a little stiff, drew a little blood from... big surprise... a man who has trouble listening. Could I have reeled it in? probably... Did the match look good though? Abso-fuckin-loutely. So in my heart I guess that one is for you!! The match you would have wanted to fucking see... And I know you did...
When I got you to your house and all the adrenaline finally came down, you told me you were going back to florida, to be around more family and to get away from all those wicked antecedents. I told you I'd miss you, that you were gonna do great...
You texted me that evening "thanks for having my back, we protect us!!"
Cancer took you, you never told me... I always thought about reaching out, worried sick, but reminded all the time "she can handle herself". Fuck do I regret that... But you left me with some choice words, and the strength to stand up for myself today. A reminder to be strong but remain soft, because that's what you always saw in me. Thank you Nikki...
Sisters fight for sisters...