Keep us Together as the Light Goes Dark
So it's been a running half joke with a dear friend of mine for a while now. Setting milestones until certain releases to keep us here with the living. I think it started with AC6 "Day you have to keep on living until armored core!!!". That same friend helped me get a PS5 around a particular rough patch, medical news that had me in tears, patched up with a long drive to the store and a detour for some ice cream. When the smoke cleared and AC6 was upon us I had a solid month or two before we brought it up again "FFVII REBIRTH!!". The fucked up thing about it was that it worked.
Friends I thought I had turned into a dangerous living situation. That same friend accompanied me to pick up a copy, Cloud and the gang were there through those last moments in what once was a home. Once that light faded it became "GOTTA GET TO DS2!!".
I ended up moving in with that friend shortly after. As I picked people out of my life like thorns in my foot I realized how much stronger I felt with those I kept around. Change is nothing without friction. But friends helped me get a cat, held my hand during another medical crisis spurred on by a reckless attempt to protect people close, caught me after a very necessary breakup, had my back after a car accident shifted my whole perspective again.
I did my best to return the favor, sticking it out through everything as the world felt like it would bucket at any moment. "Death stranding 2, can't see the beach yet". At that time things began improving, new work that felt fulfilling, new intimacy at a pace I actually needed, shaken up again by our living situation getting rugpulled.
This time I had support that didn't make it feel like an emergency. I had people beside me and wasn't moving under the pressures of abuse, not a tight handful of three people smuggling me out like contraband. As tough as it still was, I felt grateful for all the hands reaching out and pulling me through it. Couple months of adjustment have gone by, a snag here and there.
I honestly almost lost track of the release as it remained that far off horizon.
Death stranding day is here.
With it comes an absolute flood of feelings. It's so hard to put to words what the first one means to me. The strength of connection, the dangers of isolation and misplaced trust.
It was around the time of the first game that I had developed a philosophy around the concept of "Whale Fall". Meditating on the rich ecosystems that are brought forth upon the death of my favorite animal. How, more than anything, I wanted that for my own life, to leave behind something rich. In a short year, what felt like my whole life sat before me in three trash bags sitting on the curb, waiting to be loaded into a Prius, stinking of ash and soot. I spent the next few years realizing that the things I had were never there in those crude plastic sacks, and that whatever it was that I wanted to leave behind was reflected in the people around me. I started evaluating those things, building structures anew, connecting...
Now that DS2 is here, I've sunk a good 7 hours into the thing. In my first hour I found maternal tears, accelerated by an early afternoon progesterone dose, calming Lou through a dual sense. In my first year of hormones, when me and Lou first met, maternal feelings were an absent thought. It wasn't until recently that I've been finding my place in social work, helping prepare the children who the world is all too ready to forget. Moving away from a life that felt like it would always be in service. I'm finding growth again that I swore I'd never see. I have a trans-daughter now, someone I'd drop absolutely everything to see succeed. I find myself on my couch, crying into a grip of plastic that's laughing back.
The next few hours have been a similar walk down my own mental path, leaning into what feels like my proper adulthood. Chuckling and foaming at the mouth over Norman Reedus playing a single dad. Seeing Fragile again, looking at the woman I've always wanted to be, and understanding her pain on a level I never could. Two beings fraught from the destruction carried out by our manipulators, victims forced to carry our abusers guilt.
I'm enjoying the changes in the combat mechanics that are so careful to examine the value of human lives. As we spend every day letting emails find us over death and loss that feels commonplace, my violent habits are set at ease. Forcing a reflection on how every experience matters, how everything affects those around us. I remember why I'm always so ready to rip and tear into the throats and stomachs of those wicked shadows that threaten everyone I hold close. My raging waters become still and calm while gathering walking sticks for the elderly. Watching the plants age rapidly but still growing as far as they can in a matter of moments. Each drop of timefall is a moment to remember to never stop moving. It's all growth, it's all the same.
I find my rivers flowing again while Deadman speaks excitedly. He's overjoyed because he knows his death isn't the end, that his life matters all the same. I find it perfect to end my session here and start frantically writing in my favorite smoking chair.
I turned 32 yesterday, I spent it on a normal working Monday. I had dinner with my folks at my favorite chain restaurant, somewhere who's regular patrons the world has convinced me is the enemy. I enjoyed my meal with gleeful spite.
I spent the days before camping with my loved ones. When asked where I wanted to go the only answer I could dig up was "somewhere by the water". Before a night filled with laughter and fireflies I was prompted "what are your birthday goals?" A question I can't remember if I've ever been asked. I half-assed a response about wrestling t-shirts and taking the time to feel comfortable for the first time since well... Since fucking death stranding.
I have a better answer if you're reading this. In spite of everything I want to thrive again, I feel those things I'm tied to are closer than they've ever been. I want to honor my progress in a way that seems worthy of me. I want to stop validating myself in others and start seeing what they all see in me. I want to show that all the time connecting is worth it. Prove that there are no mistakes, only obstacles.
Now that DS2 has come I'm left thinking "what's next? What's going to remind me that it's worth sticking around?" But I can't look for another goalpost to get by. I don't need it anymore. It's time to quit surviving and instead feel full and fed on the things that make me feel like I belong. I have a beach, I can see it now, I want to take a long time getting there.