Crossfire
Guilt is the dominant feeling. When friends want to check in on me through friends and the response becomes "yeah she's been taking it pretty hard.". In spite of welcome feelings but not welcome invites, I feel a wave of embarrassment wash over me.
Not because I carry guilt over my space and my time, sure my feelings are mine, but it becomes an undersell of what I've really been going through.
The need for space never comes from bitterness although it's a lie to say that it's not a feeling I've engaged with. Guilt becomes the dominant factor, I've been given feelings that are normal to process outside the scope of the ever encroaching culture of danger outside. I can feel guilt that these dominant feelings should be outweighed by much stronger feelings about my place and others in a rapidly growing atmosphere of hostility. Finding community and immersing myself in it should be the normal response but becomes blocked in the conflict of deconstructing my own intimacy.
That drive inwards has brought me to a place of constant evaluation. Understanding the things I want makes it too simple. The things I want can pose themselves as unrealistic and, in the present case, apathetic.
The reality of evaluating the things I want, a sense of safety, a return to former intimacy, a place to grow my emotions and career, is that I need to weigh my expectations. Internally I piece them apart, need to understand what is realistic, what really plays into the world I want to build for myself and what are the pieces that I can empathetically use to build it...
Let's take it for what it is, I want someone back, no matter what shape that takes it'll be different than it was the last time.
What do I need from it? A sense of effort that felt absent from the space that I even hold grievance for. As a friend or as a partner I need to put forth a stronger expectation of effort.
Where does my empathy come in? This was a difficult task for the other in both scenarios, something I can have sympathy and patience for. A need is never without compromise.
How do I get there? Understanding my place and pattern beforehand. How did I react, what felt fulfilling, how can I come to terms with my behavior and others in a way that's compatible.
How do I set a boundary? I first need to feel comfortable with myself again, both within and without the context of the given relationship right? Understanding what makes me feel comfortable in these spaces, what was welcome fue to intimacy that is unwelcome without. if the understanding break was due to a difference in intimacy, how do I keep myself from providing it while sustaining the behavior that was found comforting by the other person, but not simply suppressing the idea that that's what my intimacy looks like.
Meaning well is good. Great even. Guilt comes from the place that I can't simply accept it there. But I shouldn't feel guilty about that should I? My comfort can only come when the understanding of myself is reached, by both me and others. The challenge now only comes down to how I help them reach that conclusion without bending myself backwards, what energy on my end is worth it. How much patience do I have for this growth independently, how does that need to present itself? How do I know when I've had enough?
Tl;Dr...
Yeah... I am fucked up about it dude. Of course I liked you a ton. Of course I still do. But the world feels like it's crumbling away and I god I wish I could give you all the credit for how I'm feeling right now but I can't, not even a little. The forces at play are bigger and scarier than my little feelings and fucking CHRIST it'd be comfy if I could just immerse myself in them instead.
That's not realistic, intimacy isn't an excuse to become the "this is fine" dog... So I'm doing what I can to hold my world together. I know it's scary but I like to think I'm worth the risk, risk is what makes it worth it right?
To say that you're my only struggle, that you're the only reason for the absence, is underselling it. hurtfully so.
Eventually things will feel like they fit. But let me get comfy in my own skin again, I'm more than happy to talk it out with you, but I can't be the one who initiates it right now. It'd be a very welcome form of aid in all honesty, but I'm not the only one fighting her good fight, so I'll take care of it one way or another. So I guess I'll be here when your ready, if not, I'm sure I'll come around when the load lightens up....